Assalamualaikum and hi! it's been awhile since I last updated this blog. degree life is no joke man. as the community has become aware of mental illnesses, i want to write something about it. about me.
I'm pretty sure that most of you have heard about post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. so, let us start with the definition or background of PTSD. basically, PTSD is a situation where a person who have been traumatized by certain event such as accident, bully victims or any event that gave a big impact on their lives, will be experiencing problems to continue with their daily life routines and etc. PTSD is also known as one of the mental illnesses like depression. the thing about mental illness is, you cant see the effect physically but it's slowly killing you on the inside. so, whats going on with kay and PTSD?
I have to warn you that I only assume that I have PTSD based on the self test that I have taken and most of it shows that I need to consult with counselor/psychiatrist or something like that. I have never, not even once in my life reveal to anyone about this nor did I ever consult with a counselor. because I dont know how to express them verbally. so just let me rant here okay? (and I also believed that nobody write or read blogs anymore so this is like a safe space for me to rant. alas, I dont have any followers)
how and when did this happened? back in 2013, when we're on our way to Shah Alam for a centralise training, around 9pm, we met with an accident. the impact from the accident caused me to be thrown to the front mirror of the van. mind you, I was sitting at the second row at the back seat of the van. can you imagine how on earth can I be thrown to far front? well that accident leave me with seven stitches on my forehead and a Harry Potter-like scar, a broken arm (which werent detected on the first place after the accident. idk how dont ask me) the arm arent recovered hitherto and few scratches here and there. the first three days, I cant move my body. at all. slowly, my physical injuries recovered, Alhamdulillah.
but that wasnt the biggest problem that I faced. after the accident, I had a bad trauma to go anywhere on vehicles especially at night. I easily get startled even if it is just a minor bump on the road. not just a small shock but the kind of minor heart attack shock. I hold myself back from crying every single time the car go through a bumper or sudden brake. since that accident, I cant sleep while in any vehicles. my parents would say that I'm actually sleeping throughout the journey but the fact is, I'm not. I cant sleep properly. and eversince that incident, I'm a light sleeper. like a very very light sleeper. I can wake up even with the slightest sound or movement because I keep reminding myself that I need to be self concsious and aware like all the time cause god knows when will the next accident will happen right? and I'm not only a light sleeper while in vehicles but in any other conditions too. dont be shocked when I can respond to your conversations while i'm sleeping.
it's really hard to continue writing this. it feels like I'm choking on something, like something stuck in my throat. but I have to. I know there are people out there who might be experiencing the same thing as I am.
fast forward to a year later, I have to retake my license because I failed the first one right before the accident. do you know how hard it is to muster up my courage? you dont. and no one will ever know. every single night I pray and pour my heart out to Allah to give me strength to just let me have the courage just one time. just once. please, let me pass this test. and Alhamdulillah, I did. but does it stop there? no. the thoughts and memories keep haunting me. some people said that there's nothing to be afraid of. you just go on and grab the steering and everything will be okay in a few months or days. dont think too much or dont be such a coward. people, it's not THAT easy. I desperately want to drive. I love going out, I hate being stuck in a room, I want to help my mom, be a homebaker that can deliver my food anywhere and many more things in my life. but I can't. I just can't and I don't know how to explain this. I don't.
recently, I'm having my internship somewhere near my place and of course, the biggest obstacle is, I cant drive. my parents keep telling me how glad they would be if I can drive. I'm 23 and I dont want to forever be their burden. with my mom's health condition, I pray hard that I could help out. to fetch my adik and running some errands for my mom. I dont know why but if other people are being traumatized from accident and not driving, they're okay with it. but for me, they think I'm just thinking too much or pretending to do so. you know, being ridicule for something that you really cant do, not because you cant but because god knows what reason is, is damn hurt.
thats all I think. if you're happened to come across this post, please please pray for me or help me out and give me solutions. thank you. til next time.
love,
syazwani, currently vulnerable.
