The One Who Is Not Capable of Loving

Assalamualaikum and hello everyone (as if there's anyone reading. lol)

It's been a while after my last post. here's a short one. I know I've been trying to spread positivity and all that but, there are times that I kinda have a meltdown (cause I'm only human) so yeah, here it is.

I'm not really into those lovey-dovey-cringy kind of things but I have to admit as a normal human being, even if I'm trying my best to act cool or to ignore my surroundings and keeping up in improving myself, still. at the end of the day, I DO feel lonely. maybe because of age factor or something like that? IDK. there are times that I crave for attention. because me too, a woman. I want to be heard, to have someone (gahh it feels sooo wrong to type something like this. so not cool khairul) but yeah. I wanted to. but then..I couldn't. I'm not capable of loving because I hate myself. there, I said it. I hate myself soo much that I don't think there are anyone capable of loving me. I hate myself that I couldn't even think the probability of someone liking me. never. since I was in high school maybe? (no, not gonna blame that someone anymore. but yes, it's a traumatic experience of being bullied)

being (or is it acting?) a strong woman is tiring. you need to bottled up everything because people are looking up to you but the truth is, you're just a normal human being. you couldn't show how vulnerable you're actually at words, at how people react or interact with you. faking all this behind a smile and silly stupid jokes? it's damn tiring (damn why am I crying?!) I do hope one day people will realize that the strongest one is actually the one who have the most problems. who actually keeping everything up to themselves so that others (especially those who need motivations) can look up to them.

I've fall in love (you should know that it is obviously one sided, unrequited love) soo many times before and in most of it, I back out because I know I'm just a piece of trash. let's be honest here, my biggest problem, as the word big itself, is being big. I know I should change, I've tried and every single time I'm having a melt down, I'd gain weight again. do you know how much I hate myself because of this? hence, I decided if there is any person who's able to break my heart, it would only be me. I'm the only one who can shatter my heart. not anyone else (as if there's anyone who would love me)

I keep telling myself, I need to have a firm grip on reality. In a world where people are looking for their angel, I'd only be the side character who's going to color up their life and let us just be this way okay khairul? you'd still be happy with coloring others.

urm yeah. not so short post it is right? I know He created us in pairs but I couldn't love myself. I couldn't accept who I am so I couldn't love anyone because of this. til we meet again.

syazwanishafiee

currently in depressive mode because of FYP